Tag: satire

Well, That Was Disappointing

~ Laura ~ 34 Comments
Super-duper moon: Galileo picture of the Moon, from solarsystem.nasa.gov

I was pretty excited when I found out there would be a Supermoon Saturday night. With everything going on in the world right now, a celestial superhero seemed like just what we needed. When all was said and done, however, the Supermoon turned out to be a huge disappointment. As far as I can tell, it didn’t solve any of the world’s problems. In fact, it didn’t do much of anything; it just sat there, up in the sky.

Before any of you astronomy buffs rush off to post angry comments: yes, I admit I was engaging in a bit of hyperbole. The Supermoon didn’t “sit there”; it orbited the Earth. Which could have been really cool and useful, if it had orbited really really fast and turned back time the way Superman did in the first Superman movie, which I haven’t seen in a long time but am pretty sure was a documentary. But no, the Supermoon just orbited at regular Moon speed. And yes, that makes the tides come in and the tides go out, but the regular Moon could have handled that.

Speaking of which — did anyone else notice that when the Supermoon was out, the regular Moon was nowhere to be seen? And that, in fact, no one has ever seen the regular Moon and the Supermoon at the same time? And that the Supermoon looks exactly like the regular Moon, only bigger? I mean, come on — at least when Superman disguised himself as Clark Kent, he wore glasses. Seriously, Supermoon, just how stupid do you think we are?

I Find This Form of Flattery Somewhat Insincere

~ Laura ~ 11 Comments

I’ve always believed that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so when I found a few articles from this blog copied elsewhere without attribution or links back to the originals, I was overjoyed. Someone — or apparently two people — thought that a total of four of my blog posts were worth plagiarizing.
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A Brief History of the War on Groundhog Day

Timeline showing events in the War on Groundhog Day.
~ Laura ~ 4 Comments
Timeline showing events in the War on Groundhog Day.
Significant events in the War on Groundhog Day.

What do Copernicus, Bill Murray, PETA, and Sarah Palin all have in common? They’re unlikely allies in the War on Groundhog Day. While the War on Christmas has received a fair amount of media attention in the last few years, the equally troubling War on Groundhog Day has gone almost unnoticed.
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Exciting Developments in Walmart’s Partnership With DHS

Pie chart showing types of suspicious activity reported via "if you see something, say something" at Walmart
~ Laura ~ 6 Comments

To: Walmart Store Managers
From: Walmart Executive Leadership
Subject: Exciting Developments in our Partnership with DHS

Dear Store Managers,

As you know, Walmart has partnered with the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) in their “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign. So far, this partnership has been a resounding success: our customers have reported a steady stream of suspicious incidents to you, you’ve passed that information on to DHS, and DHS has verified that the information we provide to them meets the same quality standards as the merchandise we sell to our customers.
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TSA’s New Security Procedures: A Different Perspective

~ Laura ~ 8 Comments

There’s been a lot written about the TSA’s new airport security procedures lately. We’ve heard from airline pilots, passengers, security experts, Constitutional law experts, high-level TSA officials, and low-level TSA agents, but one group has remained conspicuously silent — the terrorists themselves. That silence is about to be broken; what follows is a partial transcript of a recent meeting of a terrorist organization. All participants are referred to by code names.
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Better Living Through Candy: Creative and Practical Uses For Halloween Leftovers

~ Laura ~ 4 Comments

It’s the day after Halloween, and chances are you either have more leftover candy than you know what to do with or know someone who does. Traditionally, people in this position are advised to either eat the candy (but not all at once, and possibly chopped up and baked into another dessert or sprinkled over ice cream) or give it away (to coworkers or to charity). This year, why not try something different?
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Frequently Asked Questions About California’s Proposition 8

~ Laura ~ 3 Comments

Now that Proposition 8 has been overturned, will the California constitution require all public schools in the state to teach gay marriage?
Yes.

I don’t understand. Schools weren’t required to do that before the election. How does leaving the Constitution unchanged impose a new requirement on them?
Many people are confused by this, but the explanation is really quite simple. In 2004, Californians passed Proposition 59, which added Article 1, Section 3(b) to the California Constitution. Although this addition appears at first glance to concern itself only with public access to government meetings and records, legal scholars discovered in 2008 that language requiring schools to teach gay marriage had been concealed in Section 3(b), using a process known as steganography.
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The Gashlycrumb Terrors

~ Laura ~ 1 Comment

Every year around April Fool’s day, Bruce Schneier has a (somewhat misleadingly-named) Movie Plot Threat Contest. The challenge in this year’s contest was basically to create a story that would frighten small children into obeying their government without question. Writing an actual story seemed too difficult, so instead I wrote a little poem inspired by Edward Gorey’s The Gashlycrumb Tinies. Here’s an updated version of my entry:
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