Tag: satire

An Open Letter to a Guy Who May or May Not Be Named Dan, Regarding Our Recent Text Message Exchange

~ Laura ~ 34 Comments

Dear Dan,

Dan's hand has been pixelated to preserve his privacy.

I hope you don’t mind if I call you Dan – your first text was “hey this is dan”, so I’m guessing that’s your name. And I’m sorry I didn’t respond right away, but I just kind of assumed you’d somehow magically realize it was a wrong number. I was wrong.

Your second message took me by surprise. As a general rule, I don’t welcome unsolicited photographs of strange men’s body parts, but I wasn’t offended at all by yours. That’s probably because the body part in question was your hand, it was next to a package of felt-tip pens, and the accompanying text was “these are the biggest sharpies they have. will they work or u want bigger?”. Sure, someone with a junior-high mentality could interpret “or u want bigger?” as some sort of crude innuendo, but I don’t think you meant it that way.

I’m not sure why I responded the way I did. I’m sorry. I just wrote the first thing that came to mind. “I don’t know anyone named Dan” was a lie, and a pretty transparent one at that. Of course I know people named Dan. Dan is a very common name. But all the Dans I know are either distant acquaintances or friends I’ve drifted away from over the years; I can’t think of a single Dan that I’m on Sharpie-buying terms with. To be honest, I’m not sure I’m on unconditional Sharpie-buying terms with anyone. There are people who’d buy me Sharpies if they happened to be going to the store anyway, but I can’t think of anyone I could call at 3am to run out and buy me Sharpies immediately, no questions asked. They’d all ask questions, Dan. Questions like “Do you know what time it is?” or “Can’t it wait until morning?” or “Did you say Sharpies?”. What’s wrong with me, Dan? Why do I fail to inspire that kind of loyalty and trust? Is it because my text messages are filled with lies and half-truths?

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Terror in the Skies: An Open Letter to Vance Gilbert

~ Laura ~ 8 Comments
He may look innocent, but how do we know he doesn't have a book hidden in that guitar?

Dear Mr. Gilbert,

I read your recent blog post and several other articles all over the Internet about your experience being pulled off an airplane and questioned about the book you were reading. Much of the debate has centered on the issue of whether you were the target of racial profiling, but the fact is, this incident isn’t about race, or security theater, or overzealous airline employees, or post-9/11 paranoia. It’s about procrastination.

You really need to work on your time management skills. Your flight was less than two hours long; that’s just not enough time to read up on aircraft design, formulate an evil plan, and carry out that plan. You should do all your reading and planning in advance, and then gather all the materials you need before boarding the plane.

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Land of the Free (Ad-Supported)

~ Laura ~ 15 Comments

One approach to reducing the U.S. federal deficit is to roll back the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans. This seems like a reasonable approach, but is it really fair to ask the super-rich to give up their tax cuts and get nothing in return (except for a more functional economy, which they’d have to share with everyone)? I don’t think it is. That’s why I’ve come up with this proposal, which will raise revenues by rolling back the tax cuts, but will make the rollbacks more palatable by providing incentives for those who pay the most.
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South California: Most Likely to Secede?

~ Laura ~ 20 Comments
Map of South California
The green part is South California (map created with the map utility at http://monarch.tamu.edu/~maps2).

You may have heard by now that a California county supervisor has proposed that several counties secede from California and create the new state of South California, based on the principles that taxes and illegal immigrants are bad and that state legislators should work part-time. It’s pretty clear that he didn’t really think this through: “South California” is a terrible name for the state he’s proposing, for a couple of reasons:

  1. Parts of regular California would be south of large sections of South California.
  2. Geography was never my strong suit, but I’m pretty sure there’s a state called South Carolina. People are always going to confuse the two, especially when addressing envelopes, since South Carolina already has the “SC” state abbreviation.

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National Barbecue Day

~ Laura ~ 12 Comments

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to break with the culinary traditions which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the superior cooking methodology to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all meats are created uncooked, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain undeniable Characteristics, that among these are Flavour, Texture and the potential for Deliciousness.–That to attain this potential, Procedures are performed by Men, deriving their results from the application of heat, –That whenever any new Procedure for Cooking becomes more likely to achieve these ends, it is the Right of the People to adopt it.
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Too Much of a Good Thing

~ Laura ~ 27 Comments
Free to good home.

They say the housefly is nature’s cat toy, and it’s true: an occasional fly can provide a cat with food and entertainment for minutes on end. But a dozen flies inside the house, all at the same time, is just too much of a good thing — I know, because that’s what I woke up to last Sunday morning. It was just like Lord of the Flies, or what Lord of the Flies would have been like if it had been about actual flies instead of schoolboys and had taken place in a house instead of on an island, and if the characters, instead of turning feral, had basically just hung out in windows all day. Or maybe it was more like what Lord of the Rings would have been like if the Hobbits had been flies who, lacking fingers, were unfamiliar with the concept of wearing a ring and had spent the entire time hanging around in the Shire, which is well known in some academic circles to be an allegory for my house.
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My Son Keeps Seeing Bees But There Is No Bees

~ Laura ~ 33 Comments

I was looking at my search terms the other day to see if I needed to update my open letter to anyone directed here by a search engine, and I came across this:

MY SON KEEPS SEEING BEES BUT THERE IS NO BEES

Actually, WordPress always shows search terms in lower case, but I’m convinced that whoever typed this query used all caps. Either way, it’s clearly a cry for help, so I’m going to address the rest of today’s post to that person.
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Three Ways in Which You, the Readers of My Blog, Have Failed Me

birthday cake
~ Laura ~ 28 Comments

As I’m sure you know by now, I’m not one to complain, but there are a few matters I need to bring to your attention:

birthday cake
Wikipedia says this is a typical birthday cake. Note the traditional accessories: candles and a disembodied hand.
1. None of you sent me anything for my birthday, even though I provided convenient links to my Amazon.com wish list in several of my posts, including Looking Forward to Another Birthday, Only 30 Shopping Days Left Until My Birthday, Only 29 Shopping Days Left Until My Birthday, Today Is Probably the Last Day to Get Free Shipping in Time for My Birthday, There’s Still Time to Get Me Something for My Birthday If You Choose One-Day Shipping, and Better Late than Never: It’s Okay to Send Belated Birthday Presents, but You Should Probably Spend a Little More on Them.
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My Decision to Discontinue My Participation in the Spring Valley Herald’s Weekly Caption Contest

~ Laura ~ 23 Comments

From: wordlover79@hotmail.com
To: ombudsman@springvalleyherald.com
Cc: captioncontest@springvalleyherald.com
Subject: Serious problems with your weekly caption contest
—
Dear Spring Valley Herald Ombudsman,

I’ve been a loyal reader of your newspaper for many years, and of the online version since you first launched your website. It is with great sadness, then, that I must inform you that I will no longer be participating in your weekly caption contest. Although I’ve made every possible effort to work things out with your caption contest editor, he’s been completely unreasonable, as I’m sure you’ll agree.
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Feline Kinetic Gastronomy

~ Laura ~ 10 Comments

The Feline Kinetic Gastronomy movement, while growing in popularity, is still relatively unknown. Its objective is to nourish the cat’s body and spirit by combining food and art. A Feline Kinetic Gastronomy dish can be considered both a meal and a kinetic art installation, providing something to eat and something to do. Note: it’s important not to confuse Feline Kinetic Gastronomy with Canine Kinetic Gastronomy. The role of the cat is very different in the two cuisines.
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