Tag: humor

The Unsuccessful Undead: Four Animal-Themed Horror Movies You’ll Never See

~ Laura ~ 6 Comments

Thanks to everyone who commented on the “vampire bees” post; some of the stories about zombie bees and similar creatures inspired this list of hypothetical horror movies.

1. Jaws 5: Night of the Wolf


Sharks are scary, and werewolves are scary, so what could be more frightening than a shark werewolf? This 3D IMAX movie features some breathtaking underwater visuals but ends somewhat abruptly after the first full moon, when the shark turns into a wolf and drowns.

2. Hummingbird Horror


Hitchcock’s classic The Birds meets, well, any zombie movie ever made. Zombie hummingbirds terrorize an isolated coastal town; however, because hummingbirds need to flap their wings very rapidly to fly, and zombies move very slowly, all these creatures can do is sit and stare at passers-by. Still, this behavior is pretty creepy, and some people do sustain injuries tripping over the birds.
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Vampire Bees

Vampire bee from the 1931 Dracula movie.
~ Laura ~ 66 Comments

Vampire bee from the 1931 Dracula movie.I’ve been trying to get a picture or video of the bees on my patio, with no success. No matter how many bees are around, I always wind up with a picture completely devoid of bees; in fact, I don’t even see them when I look through the viewfinder. This is probably because I’m taking the pictures from a distance (because they’re bees, and they’ve already stung me once), or because I’m not a very good photographer, or because my cellphone camera just isn’t up to the job of photographing small insects flying rapidly with bad lighting conditions from a distance.

At least, that’s what I keep telling myself. But no matter how hard I try to rationalize, I just can’t ignore the fact that the simplest explanation is that I’m dealing with vampire bees.
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Weekend Movie Guide

~ Laura ~ 1 Comment

Here’s a little flowchart to help you decide what movie to see this weekend (updated because Jens reminded me that Primer exists).
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An Open Letter to the Bees Swarming on My Front Porch

~ Laura ~ 8 Comments

Dear Bees,

I’ve been a fan of yours for a long time, so let me start by saying thank you for all the hard work you put into pollination and honey production. Also, I love the expression “hive mind”, which never would have been coined if it weren’t for you guys (well, I suppose someone might have used that phrase, but it would have referred to an itchy allergic reaction and wouldn’t have been nearly as interesting). So, thanks again.
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The Gashlycrumb Terrors

~ Laura ~ 1 Comment

Every year around April Fool’s day, Bruce Schneier has a (somewhat misleadingly-named) Movie Plot Threat Contest. The challenge in this year’s contest was basically to create a story that would frighten small children into obeying their government without question. Writing an actual story seemed too difficult, so instead I wrote a little poem inspired by Edward Gorey’s The Gashlycrumb Tinies. Here’s an updated version of my entry:
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One Grappa, Two Grappa, Three Grappa, Floor

~ Laura ~ Leave a comment

The title of this post came from my friend Liza’s Facebook status, which seemed like it could be the basis of a really bad children’s story…

One grappa, two grappa, three grappa, four
Will someone please help me up from the floor?

Five grappa, six grappa, seven grappa, eight
I’d better call work and say I’ll be late.

Nine grappa, ten grappa, eleven and twelve
Now the nice bartender needs to reshelve.

Thirteen grappa, fourteen, fifteen and more
It’s time to go back to the grappa store.

Sixteen grappa, seventeen, now I’ve lost count
Let’s just call it a reasonable amount.

Thank you for reading this enumeration.
Enjoy your grappa in moderation.