Category: Humor

My Somewhat Belated Advice to Watson, the Jeopardy! Supercomputer

~ Laura ~ 5 Comments

Dear Watson,

Congratulations on your recent Jeopardy! victory — I think it’s fair to say that you’re the most formidable contestant in the history of the game. That’s the good news. The bad news is that you’re probably not the show’s most popular contestant; I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re overlooked when they send out invitations for the next Tournament of Champions. If, however, you do get the chance to play publicly in the future, there are a few things you could do to increase your popularity.
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To the Manufacturers of the Squeaker 3000 Robotic Toy Mouse

~ Laura ~ 13 Comments

Recently, I purchased a Squeaker 3000 Robotic Toy Mouse for my cats, Holly and Thunder. They’re big fans of other items in your product line, especially the Squeaker Catnip Toy Mouse, the Squeaker Laser Toy Mouse, and of course the classic Squeaker Squeaky Mouse, so I decided they might also like the robotic version. For the most part, they’ve enjoyed playing with the Squeaker 3000; however, the product has some serious flaws. The following is my evaluation of some of its key high and low points.
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It’s Only a Game: Your Guide to the Super Bowl

puppy bowl
~ Laura ~ 21 Comments

On February 6, an estimated 100 million people will watch the Pittsburgh Sabertooths* battle the Green Bay Velociraptors* in Super Bowl XLV. I don’t usually follow football, but I’m a little tired of feeling left out of sports-related conversations, so I decided to do some research. Here’s what I found…
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I Don’t Want to Alarm Anyone, But I’m Pretty Sure I Have Rabies

angry-looking cat
~ Laura ~ 19 Comments
angry-looking cat
This picture doesn

Do the lights in this room seem brighter than usual? I almost asked that question at work today, but I stopped myself just in time. We were all sitting around the conference table, chatting or checking email on our laptops while waiting for the last few stragglers to come in before the meeting started. It was just like any other day, with one difference — the lights were really uncomfortably bright. So I wanted to know if they were bothering anyone else and, more importantly, whether we could turn them down.
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A Brief History of the War on Groundhog Day

Timeline showing events in the War on Groundhog Day.
~ Laura ~ 4 Comments
Timeline showing events in the War on Groundhog Day.
Significant events in the War on Groundhog Day.

What do Copernicus, Bill Murray, PETA, and Sarah Palin all have in common? They’re unlikely allies in the War on Groundhog Day. While the War on Christmas has received a fair amount of media attention in the last few years, the equally troubling War on Groundhog Day has gone almost unnoticed.
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Exciting Developments in Walmart’s Partnership With DHS

Pie chart showing types of suspicious activity reported via "if you see something, say something" at Walmart
~ Laura ~ 6 Comments

To: Walmart Store Managers
From: Walmart Executive Leadership
Subject: Exciting Developments in our Partnership with DHS

Dear Store Managers,

As you know, Walmart has partnered with the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) in their “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign. So far, this partnership has been a resounding success: our customers have reported a steady stream of suspicious incidents to you, you’ve passed that information on to DHS, and DHS has verified that the information we provide to them meets the same quality standards as the merchandise we sell to our customers.
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An Interview With GFAJ-1, the Arsenic-Eating Bacterium

~ Laura ~ 7 Comments

Today NASA announced the discovery of a bacterium, called GFAJ-1, that can use arsenic in place of phosphorus. GFAJ-1 has graciously agreed to do an interview with us.

GFAJ-1 grown on arsenic
NASA photo of GFAJ-1 (Image Credit: Jodi Switzer Blum)

Unlikely Explanations: Let me start with the one question that’s on everyone’s mind. No other life form on Earth can use — or even tolerate — arsenic the way you do. Are you from outer space?
GFAJ-1: No, I’m from California. A lot of people confuse the two.

Unlikely Explanations: Thriving on arsenic the way you do is a major accomplishment. How did you do it?
GFAJ-1: It was a slow process that occurred over many generations. I won’t lie — initially, my family was as intolerant of arsenic as anyone else. But then arsenic started moving into the neighborhood, and we realized we’d have to adapt somehow.
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TSA’s New Security Procedures: A Different Perspective

~ Laura ~ 8 Comments

There’s been a lot written about the TSA’s new airport security procedures lately. We’ve heard from airline pilots, passengers, security experts, Constitutional law experts, high-level TSA officials, and low-level TSA agents, but one group has remained conspicuously silent — the terrorists themselves. That silence is about to be broken; what follows is a partial transcript of a recent meeting of a terrorist organization. All participants are referred to by code names.
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I Am So Incredibly Good At This

Graph showing mood and real and perceived competence
~ Laura ~ 11 Comments

One thing (well, really the only thing) I love about being truly incompetent at home repairs is that when I do manage to complete a DIY project, no matter how small, I get a huge feeling of accomplishment completely out of proportion to my actual achievement. I still remember how giddy I was the first time I replaced a washer in a kitchen faucet (with only three trips to Home Depot!) and the heady feeling of euphoria I got when I assembled my Ikea chair.
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Better Living Through Candy: Creative and Practical Uses For Halloween Leftovers

~ Laura ~ 4 Comments

It’s the day after Halloween, and chances are you either have more leftover candy than you know what to do with or know someone who does. Traditionally, people in this position are advised to either eat the candy (but not all at once, and possibly chopped up and baked into another dessert or sprinkled over ice cream) or give it away (to coworkers or to charity). This year, why not try something different?
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