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I bought this today. Will the evening end …
If the answer turns out to be #5, it was nice knowing you.
The following opinions are those of my cat, Thunder, and do not necessarily represent the views of this blog, its staff, or any of its affiliates:
It was a typical Friday afternoon — I’d spent most of the day passed out on the couch, reeking of catnip and tuna — when she walked into my life. Tessa, they called her: an orange ball of fluff with a face straight out of a Fancy Feast commercial and a purr that could wake the dead. She knew how to work a room, oozing the kind of wide-eyed innocence that reduces otherwise intelligent people into mush, wrapping them around her little finger instantly despite the fact that, technically, she has no fingers.
The human and I have the standard arrangement: she provides me with room, board, and a lap to sit on; I provide her with the pleasure of my company and the occasional hairball. But leading up to that day, she’d been acting strangely — there’d been mysterious phone calls and furtive glances, and that morning, she’d set up an extra litter box in the spare bathroom and food and water dishes in the den. Tessa was no spur-of-the-moment visitor; she’d been expected.
It’s been a week since she arrived. When she saw that I wasn’t taken in by her sweet innocent little kitty act, she told me a long, rambling sob story about being found under a trailer when she was three months old, then spending the next four months in a foster home, being put on display in a pet store every Sunday afternoon and passed over like a novelty ashtray at a hospital gift shop.
“Listen, princess,” I told her, “we’ve all got problems. You’re seven months old. Old enough to take care of yourself. Just stay out of my way.” So she hides. And when the human finds her, she purrs. And then it starts. The human tries to coax her out. “Tessa,” she says. “Tessa Tessa. Tessa Tessa Tessa Tessa. Tessa Tessa. Tessa. Tessa Tessa Tessa Tessa Tessa. Tessa. Tessa Tessa. Tessa.” It’s like a flea gnawing at that spot you can’t reach at the back of your neck. “Tessa. Tessa Tessa Tessa Tessa. Tessa Tessa.” There’s only one way to make it stop. Desperate times call for desperate measures: we’re going to have to change her name.
While I don’t agree with everything that Thunder says here, he does have a point: Tessa probably isn’t the best possible name for this cat. She’s very good at hiding, but she doesn’t mind being picked up and carried out of her hiding place. She’s been getting braver and braver; when she’s not hiding, she purrs all the time and basically acts like a kitten, playing and/or lap-sitting. So please, help me think of a better name!
I have eaten
the cookies
that were on
the mantel
and which
you had probably
left there
for Santa
Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so warm
—
I have read
the note
that was by
the cookies
and which
you had thoughtfully
written
for Santa
Forgive me
it was delightful
so sweet
and so warm.
—
I have burned
the note
that you left
for Santa
and which
would have proven that
there had
been cookies
Forgive me
it was glorious
so bright
and so warm
—
(with apologies to William Carlos Williams)
I’ve just heard some exciting news — just in time for Thanksgiving, Butterball has launched a turkey recipe app. At just $4.99, Butterball Cookbook Plus sounds like a real godsend for anyone who owns an iPhone and doesn’t know how to cook a turkey or look things up on Google.
If you have turkey-related questions and don’t own an iPhone, don’t despair. You can still call the Butterball turkey hotline, which “employs more than 50 professionally trained, college-educated home economists and nutritionists” to answer questions — which is exactly what I need, because I don’t have an iPhone, and I do have some questions. Like these:
1. Who is Astrid Volpert? She’s listed as a Butterball turkey expert, but when I click on her link, I get an error message. Some independent research led me to her website, which offers no evidence of any formal turkey-related training whatsoever. I don’t think she even speaks English.
2. The wish I made on last year’s Butterball turkey wishbone didn’t come true. When can I expect my refund?
3. What’s the capital of Turkey?
4. Remember that story about the woman who kills her husband by hitting him over the head with a frozen leg of lamb and then cooks it and serves it to the detectives who come out to investigate the murder? Do you think that would work with a turkey? Asking for a friend.
5. A turkey, a giraffe, and an otter walk into a bar. Who gets served first?
6. Help! I have a dog, a cat, a baby, a roasted turkey, and a bottle of wine in the kitchen, and I need to move them all to the dining room. I can’t leave the cat alone with the dog, I can’t leave the cat or the dog alone with the turkey, I can’t leave the baby alone at all, and it’s probably best not to leave me alone with the wine. The cat and the dog can walk. The dog will go where I tell him to, but the cat just does whatever he wants. I can carry any two items at a time except for the cat, who won’t let me pick him up. What should I do?
7. If I drop an 18-pound turkey and a 2-pound Cornish game hen off the top of the Empire State Building at the same time, what crime will I be charged with? Does it matter if the turkey is frozen?
8. If someone calls the hotline and asks a question about a turducken, do you hang up 1/3 of the way through the call?
9. Can I come work for you? Answering turkey questions seems like it could be fun, at least until the novelty wears off, at which point I’d probably just start making stuff up. That wouldn’t be a problem, would it?
10. Does this stuffing make my drumsticks look fat?
Do you have any turkey- or holiday-related questions or concerns? Leave them in the comments, and I’ll do my best to answer.
1. What’s your pumpkin-carving style?
A. I choose the perfect pumpkin, create an original design on paper, create a template, and then cut the pumpkin very precisely and painstakingly.
B. I dig the plastic pumpkin out of the back of the hall closet and blow most of the dust off.
C. I don’t decorate for Halloween.
D. I carve my start-up company’s logo into the pumpkin, then take pictures and post to all my social-media sites. It’s a festive decoration and free advertising.
E. I enjoy carving faces.
2. What’s your approach to distributing Halloween candy?
A. I engage each child in conversation to determine whether their treats need to be gluten-free, dairy-free, nut-free, or sugar-free.
B. I point at the candy bowl and say “help yourself.”
C. I turn off the porch light and don’t answer the door.
D. When parents come to the door with their children, I invite them in for a drink and a marketing presentation.
E. I make sure everyone gets what they deserve.
3. It’s two days before Halloween. What last-minute supplies do you buy?
A. None. I’ve already carved my jack-o-lantern, sewn homemade costumes for my children, put up decorations, and bought a carefully-selected assortment of candy.
B. A few bags of fun-sized candies to replace the ones I bought last weekend but ate already. And some beer.
C. Blackout curtains and a “No Solicitors” sign for my front door.
D. None. I’ve already picked up the candies that I had custom-wrapped my company’s logo and web address.
E. Extra-large garbage bags, duct tape, an area rug, and a shovel.
4. Halloween is a good time to …
A. Impress the neighbors.
B. Eat candy.
C. Turn out the lights and hide in the dark.
D. Network with people from the neighborhood.
E. Dispose of a body.
—
Happy Halloween! If you’re looking for last-minute advice, you may find some of these older posts useful:
For costume ideas, why not try some of these Reese’s-themed fashions?
Don’t want to spend the evening handing out candy? Try some of these alternate candy distribution methods
And it’s always a good idea to follow these simple Halloween safety tips
—
I’ve switched to a different mail-sending mechanism, so if you get these posts by mail and anything looks strange, please let me know. And as always, please feel free to follow my sad, lonely Facebook page.
Oops! Some of you may have gotten two copies of this in the mail. Sorry about that — it won’t happen again.
Dana from Zona Pellucida read my piece on how to eat summer fruits and asked:
Too bad I haven’t been able to read this until autumn. Are there any recommendations on how to eat fall fruits easily and safely?
Good question, Dana. Fall fruits are more challenging than summer fruits. For one thing, they’re elusive. Wikipedia’s Seasonal Food page lists a couple fruits each for winter and spring, 18 different summer fruits, and a grand total of zero fruits for fall. But don’t despair. Fall fruits do exist. They include pumpkin, apples, and … um, did I say pumpkin already?
The most important thing to remember about fall fruits is that they should always be consumed in the form of pie. Pies can be obtained in a variety of ways.
Baking a pie is the oldest and most traditional method of pie acquisition. To bake a delicious pie featuring your favorite fruit, you will need:
That’s all there is to it! What could be simpler?
If you don’t have time to bake a pie, you can always buy one. You will need:
Occasionally, you may find yourself unable to bake or purchase a pie. For example, you may be out of both money and pie ingredients, or you may have a sudden desire for pie late at night, when all the pie retailers in your area are closed. In that case, you’ll have to steal a pie. You will need:
If you can’t bake or purchase a pie, and none of your friends are available to help you steal one, don’t despair — you can still obtain a pie using a simple time-honored process known as extortion. You will need:
Well, Dana, I hope this answers your question and provides you with the knowledge you’ll need to incorporate delicious and healthful autumn fruits into your diet. Please let me know if there’s anything else I can help you with.
I’ve started a second blog called My Depressing Cat Blog for posts about my cat Holly, who’s just been diagnosed with lung cancer, because depressing posts about my sick cat don’t really fit the theme of this blog.
I have a problem. The following scenario happens far too often:
I stop at Starbucks on my way to work, and someone else gets to the door a few seconds ahead of me. They hold the door, I say “thanks” and walk through, and they walk through behind me. What should I do next? I have three options.
1. I can just go directly to the counter. This seems a bit presumptuous, like the act of a mouse who, having been given a cookie, demands a glass of milk. Maybe I should just run with it and point out that since the other person is stuck behind me in line anyway, he might as well do something productive with his time, like wash my car. It’s the blue one with the three giant tubs of kitty litter in the trunk. Well, not the trunk, obviously, but whatever you call the storage space in a hatchback. Yeah. The one with the pile of empty Trader Joe’s bags on the passenger seat. That’s the one. Thanks.
2. I can tell the other person to go ahead of me. This never ends well. It just results in an uncomfortable “after you — no, after you” exchange that negates any good feelings left over from the initial interaction and goes on forever, or at least until one of us eventually notices that the dozen or so people who’ve accumulated in line behind us are glaring with varying degrees of hostility, raising the very real possibility that if one of us doesn’t give up and place an order immediately, we’re both at risk of being bludgeoned to death by an angry, caffeine-deprived, iPhone-wielding mob, which would be a horrible way to die, because iPhones are pretty light, actually, so it would probably take a really long time to beat someone to death with one.
3. I can wander off to the side and try to look like I’m doing something else until the other person is safely in line ahead of me. This is my usual strategy, but it doesn’t always work. Once while I was pretending to read notices on a bulletin board, I blocked the path from the door to the counter — which I failed to realize because I was so focused on my performance that I didn’t notice that the guy who’d held the door for me was waiting patiently for me to finish. I should have said something like “oh, go ahead — I want to spend a few more minutes admiring the lighting and composition of the photo in this lost cat ad,” but by then I was just too flustered to do anything but slink forward to the counter.
You’re probably wondering what I do when the situation is reversed. I don’t know, because that never happens. I never arrive at the door first. I haven’t been keeping exact records, but my best estimate is that in the last year someone else has held the door for me approximately 22.375 times, and I’ve arrived in time to hold the door for someone else exactly 0 times. I think people must see me coming and hide.
That’s my dilemma. What would you do in my place?
This blog has a sad, lonely Facebook page that you can “like” if you’re so inclined.
I have a guest post at Blurt today — go check it out! Blurt has been running guest posts all week, so the last few posts there are like a Whitman’s Sampler of blogs.
In other exciting news, this blog now has a sad, lonely Facebook page of its own. If you “like” it, you’ll make it less sad and lonely, and you’ll also get blog updates via Facebook. And if you’ve ever wondered what I’m reading when I’m not reading blogs, you can find out at Goodreads (although I just joined a couple days ago, so it looks like I’ve only read three books in my entire life).
Summer fruits are delicious, but many people miss out on these healthful treats because of the amount of effort required to transform a piece of fruit from its original state into something fit to eat. With today’s modern technology, however, fruit preparation has never been simpler. The following is a step-by-step guide for enjoying some of the most commonly available fruits of the season.
You will need:
You will need:
You will need:
You will need:
You will need:
My goal here has been to provide instructions that the reader can follow at home to eat a piece of fruit purchased from a grocery store or farmer’s market. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to do that for bananas: the peels aren’t edible, and there are no banana-peeling tools available for home use. So before you proceed with the following steps, you’ll need to have your banana professionally peeled.
You will need:
Update: I haven’t tried this myself, but I’ve just read an article that claims that it’s possible to peel a banana yourself at home, using only your bare hands. Proceed with caution.
Unlikely Explanations 