There’s been a lot written about the TSA’s new airport security procedures lately. We’ve heard from airline pilots, passengers, security experts, Constitutional law experts, high-level TSA officials, and low-level TSA agents, but one group has remained conspicuously silent — the terrorists themselves. That silence is about to be broken; what follows is a partial transcript of a recent meeting of a terrorist organization. All participants are referred to by code names.
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I Am So Incredibly Good At This
One thing (well, really the only thing) I love about being truly incompetent at home repairs is that when I do manage to complete a DIY project, no matter how small, I get a huge feeling of accomplishment completely out of proportion to my actual achievement. I still remember how giddy I was the first time I replaced a washer in a kitchen faucet (with only three trips to Home Depot!) and the heady feeling of euphoria I got when I assembled my Ikea chair.
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Better Living Through Candy: Creative and Practical Uses For Halloween Leftovers
It’s the day after Halloween, and chances are you either have more leftover candy than you know what to do with or know someone who does. Traditionally, people in this position are advised to either eat the candy (but not all at once, and possibly chopped up and baked into another dessert or sprinkled over ice cream) or give it away (to coworkers or to charity). This year, why not try something different?
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Halloween Safety Tips
Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. Here are some simple tips that should help keep it safe and fun for everyone.
1. When planning your children’s trick-or-treating route, stick to residential neighborhoods. Try to avoid deserted industrial areas, construction sites, and toxic waste dumps.
2. Novelty contact lenses can add a new dimension to a Halloween costume. Please get yours from a licensed eye care professional; resist the temptation to create your own using an empty plastic water bottle, a razor blade, and a set of colored markers.
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How to Write the Perfect Mystery Novel
As a public service, I offer these suggestions to aspiring murder mystery writers who want to improve their work.
1. If at all possible, have the murder occur on Halloween. Halloween is the best day of the year to dispose of a body — you can walk around in blood-stained clothes, carrying as many severed body parts as you want, and people will just think you have a really cool costume. Of course, there’s always the possibility that, once people hear the news that a murder has occurred, they’ll have second thoughts about the costume they saw — but that’s okay, because they won’t know that you were the person wearing it. Remember, on Halloween, you can wear a mask.
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Can Mad Men’s Ad Agency Survive? Yes, With a Little Help From Some Of Its Contemporaries
It’s 1965, and things are looking pretty grim at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce (SCDP), the fictional advertising agency featured on Mad Men. Partner Pete Campbell has just sabotaged a lucrative new contract with North American Aviation in order to avoid a background check that would reveal secrets that might result in jail time for senior partner Don Draper. Even worse, they’re about to lose their largest client, Lucky Strike cigarettes. Can the agency survive? I think it can, with a little help from some of its contemporaries: this series of five crossover episodes with 1960s-era TV shows should put SCDP back on track.
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A First Look at GM’s Prototype Facebook Interface
When I heard that General Motors was testing a new feature that allows drivers to post Facebook status messages while driving, I couldn’t wait to try it out. So I called GM, explained that I have a blog with almost a dozen regular readers, and asked if they’d let me try the system out for a few days in exchange for some free publicity. Naturally, they jumped at this opportunity and offered me a 48-hour test drive.
Tuesday, after work: I stop by the dealership to pick up my vehicle, a Chevy Impala with the prototype social networking software installed. After programming in my login information (a tedious process, but one that only needs to be done once) and getting a brief tutorial on how to use the system, I’m all set. As soon as I pull out of the dealership, I dictate my first (admittedly unimaginative) update: “Hi! This is my first Facebook update from my car”.
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When Memes Collide: Unfortunate Pairings from Catroulette
By now you’ve probably heard of Chatroulette, the website that pairs people up for anonymous online video chats with random strangers. Here are some screenshots from a similar but lesser-known service catering exclusively to cats.
1. The Cat in the Hat meets Limecat.
2. Maru meets Schroedinger’s Cat.
3. Archy meets Keyboard Cat.
I’m actually not the first person to think of the name “Catroulette” — it’s also the name of a cute site that collects images from (apparently) real Chatroulette sessions involving cats. But the best use of the name by far goes to this cat adoption site in Belgium.
Sentiments I’m Incapable of Expressing on Facebook
Recently, there have been a few things I’ve wanted to say to some of my Facebook friends but haven’t been able to, because of technical or other issues with the Facebook framework. Here are some examples.
“I’m happy for you, but I don’t care who else is happy for you”. 
This happens to me all the time — someone posts a Facebook update announcing a pregnancy, birth, graduation, or other news, and I foolishly click the “like” button or add a “Congrats!” comment. And then, for the rest of the day, I get a constant barrage of Facebook notifications. I click on each one expecting lavish praise for my latest astute observation that my car is dirty or that bees exist, only to have my hopes dashed when I realize it’s yet another person adding a “Congrats!” comment of their own.
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Dear Cat-Hater Haters: Please Stop. You’re Not Helping.
This is a departure from what I usually post here. The tagline for this blog is “please don’t take anything you read here seriously”, but I hope people actually will take this seriously.
I’m a cat person. I have two cats; when I make travel plans, the first person I call is my cat-sitter, and when I return home, the thing I look forward to most is being greeted by my cats. I’ve learned how to type with a cat between me and the keyboard. While writing this post, I’ve stopped a couple times to do important cat-related things (like throwing toys across the floor so one cat can chase them, or picking up a cat and carrying him over to the wall so he can sniff the light switches). In other words, the only reason I’m not a card-carrying crazy cat lady is that, as far as I know, there is no card-issuing crazy cat lady organization.
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Unlikely Explanations 