This site contains humor, satire, comedy, and/or whimsy. Please don't take anything you read here seriously.
I bought some bay leaves at the supermarket the other day, and this is what I saw when I took the top off the jar.
For some reason, all the soups and stews I’ve made recently have tasted like they’re missing an herb. But on the bright side, I think this jar of bay leaves will last a long, long time.
The Feline Kinetic Gastronomy movement, while growing in popularity, is still relatively unknown. Its objective is to nourish the cat’s body and spirit by combining food and art. A Feline Kinetic Gastronomy dish can be considered both a meal and a kinetic art installation, providing something to eat and something to do. Note: it’s important not to confuse Feline Kinetic Gastronomy with Canine Kinetic Gastronomy. The role of the cat is very different in the two cuisines.
Continue reading “Feline Kinetic Gastronomy”
Lyrics to Rebecca Black’s lesser-known (by which I mean hypothetical) cat video:
Ten a.m., waking up after napping
Gotta be fresh, gotta groom myself
Gotta sharpen claws, gotta scratch furniture
Sniffin’ everything, my territory
Seems to be okay, everything’s good so far
Gotta jump up to the window
Gotta look outside, I see sunshine
Nappin’ on the front porch
Sleepin’ on the back porch
Gotta make my mind up
Which nap shall I take?
There’s tuna, tuna
Gotta chow down on tuna
Everybody’s crazy for the taste of seafood, seafood
Tuna, tuna
Chowin’ down on tuna
Everybody’s crazy for the taste of seafood
Snarfin’ it, snarfin’ it (yeah!)
Snarfin’ it, snarfin’ it (yeah!)
Nom, nom, nom, nom
Crazy for the taste of seafood.
10:45, I’ve eaten all the tuna
Hearin’ a buzz, I must catch that fly
Stealth, stealth, think about stealth
I know what to do
I’m stalking, I’m stalking
The fly is on my right, now
I’m stalking, I’m pouncing
Now I’ve got it.
Nappin’ on the front porch
Sleepin’ on the back porch
Gotta make my mind up
Which nap shall I take?
There’s tuna, tuna
Gotta chow down on tuna
Everybody’s crazy for the taste of seafood, seafood
Tuna, tuna
Chowin’ down on tuna
Everybody’s crazy for the taste of seafood
Snarfin’ it, snarfin’ it (yeah!)
Snarfin’ it, snarfin’ it (yeah!)
Nom, nom, nom, nom
Crazy for the taste of seafood
Yesterday was chicken, chicken
Today it is tuna, tuna
We we we so excited
We so excited
We gonna eat it all today
Tomorrow is halibut
And salmon comes afterwards
I don’t want this seafood to end
K.C., my Kitty Cat
She’s nappin’ on the front porch (on the front porch)
On the back porch (on the back porch)
I’m shoppin’, buyin’ (yeah, yeah)
Fast lane, checkout lane
With a cart full of fish (woo!)
C’mon! In my line, man’s got coupons in front of me
Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream
Check the sign, it’s express, it’s the fast lane
We need to get home, c’mon, c’mon y’all
There’s tuna, tuna
Gotta chow down on tuna
Everybody’s crazy for the taste of seafood, seafood
Tuna, tuna
Chowin’ down on tuna
Everybody’s crazy for the taste of seafood
Snarfin’ it, snarfin’ it (yeah!)
Snarfin’ it, snarfin’ it (yeah!)
Nom, nom, nom, nom
Crazy for the taste of seafood.
There’s tuna, tuna
Gotta chow down on tuna
Everybody’s crazy for the taste of seafood, seafood
Tuna, tuna
Chowin’ down on tuna
Everybody’s crazy for the taste of seafood
Snarfin’ it, snarfin’ it (yeah!)
Snarfin’ it, snarfin’ it (yeah!)
Nom, nom, nom, nom
Crazy for the taste of seafood
This is not a cat blog. Really. More non-cat-related material is coming soon.
Chicken with gravy is a favorite meal in my household. It’s also fairly easy to prepare, which makes it the perfect recipe with which to start this series (in case you missed the announcement earlier today, I’ll be posting recipes here from my upcoming book, To Serve Cats: Yes, It’s a Cookbook, But It’s Not Like the One in That Twilight Zone Episode and challenging my readers to try them).
Let’s start with the basics. The first step to attempting this — or any — recipe is to prepare your mise en place, or workspace. It’s really quite simple: find a suitable work surface, clear away any excess clutter, and gather the ingredients and tools you’ll need. The next three pictures were taken as I prepared my mise en place for this recipe.
Continue reading “Challenge Recipe #1: Chicken With Gravy”
When I started this blog, I honestly wasn’t sure whether it would last beyond the first few weeks. How many random humor posts did I have inside me? Ten? A thousand? Ten thousand?
The answer turned out to be 41. This is post 42. I’ve run out of funny things to say, and I can’t in good conscience continue trying to write a humor blog — it wouldn’t be fair to me, and it certainly wouldn’t be fair to you. But that doesn’t mean this blog is going away! I’m just taking it in a new direction, and I hope you’ll stick around.
I toyed with the idea of turning Unlikely Explanations into a “mommy blog”, because I’ve heard they’re popular, but I was concerned that the fact that I don’t have any children might have a negative effect on my credibility in that genre. Then I thought about making it a cat blog, or a food blog, or maybe a cat food blog. Finally, it hit me — this blog should be a companion piece to the cookbook I’ve been writing. For anyone who’s not already familiar with my cookbook, here’s the cover design:
Every Friday (starting later today!), I’ll post a recipe from the book, with a description of my experience preparing it and my cats’ reactions to it. And I invite you to do the same — join the Unlikely Explanations Recipe-a-Week Challenge! Here’s how to participate:
That’s it! What could be simpler? Please join in — the more, the merrier.
P.S. I should mention one more change: although Unlikely Explanations has previously been ad-free, I’ve decided to accept advertising from a few select sponsors. Please take a moment to check out these fine products from our first two sponsors: the CatSofa and the Squeaker 3000 Robotic Toy Mouse.
Update: Recipe #1 is now available!
I was pretty excited when I found out there would be a Supermoon Saturday night. With everything going on in the world right now, a celestial superhero seemed like just what we needed. When all was said and done, however, the Supermoon turned out to be a huge disappointment. As far as I can tell, it didn’t solve any of the world’s problems. In fact, it didn’t do much of anything; it just sat there, up in the sky.
Before any of you astronomy buffs rush off to post angry comments: yes, I admit I was engaging in a bit of hyperbole. The Supermoon didn’t “sit there”; it orbited the Earth. Which could have been really cool and useful, if it had orbited really really fast and turned back time the way Superman did in the first Superman movie, which I haven’t seen in a long time but am pretty sure was a documentary. But no, the Supermoon just orbited at regular Moon speed. And yes, that makes the tides come in and the tides go out, but the regular Moon could have handled that.
Speaking of which — did anyone else notice that when the Supermoon was out, the regular Moon was nowhere to be seen? And that, in fact, no one has ever seen the regular Moon and the Supermoon at the same time? And that the Supermoon looks exactly like the regular Moon, only bigger? I mean, come on — at least when Superman disguised himself as Clark Kent, he wore glasses. Seriously, Supermoon, just how stupid do you think we are?
My cat is not a Twilight vampire.
The fangs are simply his canine teeth,
which, despite the name,
are part of standard feline anatomy.
And any sparkling you may have noticed
is just the sunlight
reflected off his fur
as he occupies the only sunny spot
on the dark wood floor,
with eyes narrowed into slits
like a cat’s eyes
which,
if you think about it,
is perfectly normal for a cat.
My cat is not drunk
or high on catnip
or under the influence
of any controlled substance
or mood-altering drug.
He has not been diagnosed
with any mental illness
or neurological condition.
He’s simply washing his face
and blinking
at the same time.
My cat is not struggling with depression
or with some crisis of conscience
that leaves him half in the dark
and half in the light.
In fact, the darkness is mostly an illusion,
an artifact of the camera –
he’s really half in moderate light,
half in very bright light.
And the hunched-over posture
is a reflection, not of his emotional state,
but of the fact that he’s just noticed
one of his toy mice
a few feet away on the floor.
My cat is not biting my other cat’s ear off
in a savage act of aggression
reminiscent of an incident
involving Mike Tyson.
It’s actually just a love bite,
which resulted in, at worst,
some momentary annoyance.
No cats were harmed
in the making of this picture.
On a related note, I have a list of overly wordy lolcat captions on McSweeney’s.
Q: What kind of plant is that?
A: It’s a coffee plant.
Q: Are the leaves supposed to be half-brown like that?
A: I don’t know. I’ve been meaning to look that up.
Q: How often do you water it?
A: Sometimes.
Q: Can you be more specific?
A: Oh, sorry. I thought that was one of those “always / sometimes / never” questions.
Q: Seriously, how many days a week do you water your coffee plant?
A: Stop nagging! I’ll get to it!
Q: Why did you choose to plant it in that particular spot?
A: I took a scientific approach. First, I narrowed it down to an outdoor location based on the fact that I have indoor cats, and coffee plants are toxic to cats. Then I decided to plant it in the ground rather than, say, the roof, because I read somewhere once that plants grow better in dirt.
Continue reading “Frequently Asked Questions About My Coffee Plant”
Dear Watson,
Congratulations on your recent Jeopardy! victory — I think it’s fair to say that you’re the most formidable contestant in the history of the game. That’s the good news. The bad news is that you’re probably not the show’s most popular contestant; I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re overlooked when they send out invitations for the next Tournament of Champions. If, however, you do get the chance to play publicly in the future, there are a few things you could do to increase your popularity.
Continue reading “My Somewhat Belated Advice to Watson, the Jeopardy! Supercomputer”
Recently, I purchased a Squeaker 3000 Robotic Toy Mouse for my cats, Holly and Thunder. They’re big fans of other items in your product line, especially the Squeaker Catnip Toy Mouse, the Squeaker Laser Toy Mouse, and of course the classic Squeaker Squeaky Mouse, so I decided they might also like the robotic version. For the most part, they’ve enjoyed playing with the Squeaker 3000; however, the product has some serious flaws. The following is my evaluation of some of its key high and low points.
Continue reading “To the Manufacturers of the Squeaker 3000 Robotic Toy Mouse”
Unlikely Explanations 